Vulnerability Is a Superpower. So How Do We Teach It to Boys?
Women often say they love a man who can cry. But we haven’t made it easy for him to be that man.
For generations, we have asked boys to be strong. Be the protector. Hold the line. Carry the weight.
I don’t want to throw that away, and I don’t think we should. Courage and steadiness matter. I have leaned on both in the men I love.
What I want is to widen our definition of strength.
Somewhere along the way, strength was quietly redefined as never setting down the weight, never showing fear, never admitting something hurts. That is not strength. It is isolation wearing a brave face.
Real strength is knowing when the weight has become too heavy to carry alone.
I’ve been thinking about how we raised our sons compared to our daughters. With the girls, we pushed on the door. We asked over and over. With the boys, when they said they were fine, we honored the boundary and gave them room.
Knowing what I know now, here are three things I would do differently.
1. I would teach feelings as a life skill
We teach children to name colors, numbers and animals, but rarely spend the same time teaching them to name what is happening inside their bodies and minds.
“Fine,” “tired” and “stressed” can hide much bigger feelings: fear, shame, loneliness, grief or dread.
A boy who cannot name what he is feeling may show it in other ways. He may become angry, shut down, take risks or disappear into a screen. The feeling does not go away because he cannot explain it.
I would ask more specific questions:
“What felt heavy today?”
“Where do you feel that in your body?”
“Do you want me to listen, help, or just sit with you?”
Emotional vocabulary is not soft. It is equipment. It gives a child another way to respond before pain turns into silence, anger or hopelessness.
2. I would let my boys see the men they admire be human
We cannot tell boys that vulnerability is brave if they only see women practicing it.
Boys need fathers, coaches, teachers, brothers and leaders who can say:
“That scared me.”
“I was wrong.”
“I need help.”
When a trusted man speaks honestly about fear, disappointment or grief, he shows a boy that feelings do not cancel out strength.
Vulnerability does not mean sharing everything with everyone. It means being honest with safe people instead of pretending we are invincible.
A man can be dependable and still need support. He can hold the line and know when it is time to ask someone to help him hold it.
3. I would listen longer before trying to fix it
When someone we love is hurting, our instinct is often to solve the problem or make the feeling disappear.
“You’ll be fine.”
“Shake it off.”
“Other people have it worse.”
We may mean these as encouragement, but a child can hear something else: this feeling is not welcome here.
I would slow down. I would not panic, lecture or rush to a solution. I would say:
“Thank you for telling me.”
“That sounds really hard.”
“We will figure this out together.”
Then I would keep checking in, because boys do not always tell us the whole story the first time we ask.
The goal is not to raise boys who never struggle. It is to raise boys who know that struggling does not make them weak, that asking for help does not make them a burden, and that being loved is not something they have to earn by pretending they are okay.
Here is what gives me hope. After students watch Angst, 78% say they are more open to talking about anxiety, and 82% say they are more likely to reach out to someone else who is struggling. The number goes up when it is for a friend. Boys will walk through that door all day long, and once they have walked through it for someone else, it is a much shorter walk for themselves.
Vulnerability is not the opposite of courage.
Vulnerability is the moment courage becomes visible.
Let’s raise boys who can carry the weight, set it down and reach for another hand when they need one. That is not less masculine. That is fully human.
And that is a bigger, braver kind of strength.
At Impactful Fund, we believe stories open hearts and skills save lives. This September, during Suicide Prevention Month, we are shining a brighter light on boys’ and men’s mental health and helping families begin these conversations before a crisis.
Your support helps us bring film and evidence-based mental health education into schools, homes and communities, so more boys and men know they matter, they belong and they never have to carry the weight alone.
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